i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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