Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
