so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
