some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
