he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
