Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
