So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
