He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she smelled like a LAN party
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
