my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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