I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina