My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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