I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
