Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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