If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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