I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
