Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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