i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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