last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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