wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
