Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
