Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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