"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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