i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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