You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
