THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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