i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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