Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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