i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
