I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat