I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
