ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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