Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
