im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
