I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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