like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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