Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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