I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
