Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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