U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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