I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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