I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
