Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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