My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
