haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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