So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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