What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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