It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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