i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
