The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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