it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
