i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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