if only i could text you this smell
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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