don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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