I am midnight drunk by noon
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
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Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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