You just made me feel so damn special
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
