im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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