i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
